This is my very personal & emotional story of my life long struggle with depression and multiple suicide attempts in recognition of National Suicide Prevention Day. This video will not be monetized or sponsored in any way, shape or form and is offered as an olive branch to anyone that needs it and I urge you to share it or make your own.
I made this video because I have a unique perspective on the subject including SSRI medication, physical & mental abuse and self loathing just to name a few things that lead me to attempting suicide multiple times throughout my life with my last attempt being as recent as last year.
I know this video will lose me subscribers and make me vulnerable to attacks and trolling by exposing vulnerabilities but I don't care about any of those things when compared to the good I hope this video can do if the right people see it that need help. I know that when I was in a dark place I could have used something like this to give me perspective and honestly, if I feel that way again in the future I can come back to it and this video may very well save my life at some point.
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I realize this isn't the video you expected after a few weeks of not uploading but today is National Suicide Prevention Day (September, 10th) and I wanted to tell my emotional story of my struggles with depression and my numerous suicide attempts throughout my life including the one that just happened last year that was pure dumb luck I survived. I realize that making this video will cause a lot of people to unsubscribe and give trolls new attack vectors to come at me because I'm exposing my vulnerabilities but the way I see it is if we all stay quiet and keep on letting suicide and depression get stigmatized as mental illnesses then nobody is going to be able to come forward and get help!
So I am throwing my hat in the ring with this video and letting it all hang out, if this video even helps a single person change their mind or give them new hope and realize they aren't alone and they are not sick, broken or undesirable then I will die of old age knowing I made a real difference and my legacy will live on in the people that paid it forward and ultimately helped out others. If you also suffer from depression please take this video as an invite to share your stories down below from either your own experiences or people that you know that struggle. Take this as an opportunity to share something other people will find valuable and even make your own video if you have the capabilities.
I really think the internet has made people less connected and less caring of each-other leading to a lot more depression and a lot more self loathing and I really hope people start to change their minds and behaviors just a little bit to make the world a better places and start letting people know that they are not crazy or sick because they are thinking of suicide but rather just feel backed into a corner and don't know what to do and see it as the only way out. I want you to know it's not the only way out and there are a lot of other options that you just can't see when you're in the thick of the emotional distress and I hope this video gives you an anchor to think about next time you're considering suicide and buys you the time to come to a better conclusion that ultimately will lead to you having a long and productive life doing whatever the hell you want with a smile on your face.
Just because today sucks doesn't mean tomorrow is going to, I know it seems that way but it's simply not true! Please, share this video, it's not monetized, I don't make any money and it's not targeted at my demographic so it won't grow my subscriber base. This video is my attempt to help others avoid a situation that almost took my life so hopefully they too can realize everything can turn around with a single good day and they could start enjoying life again. But, there is no 2nd chance when you're gone so please seek help and if you're in a position to help someone else showing the symptoms please don't wait, please don't convince yourself they need their space, etc. HELP THEM!
I love you all, even the trolls. Please share your stories down below so anyone watching this video that needs it can see just how many of us suffer from the same problems they do and they will be able to finally clearly see they are NOT ALONE!
Hey Jerry I had a similar childhood story, I would like to share it with you sometime, but I am not a social media guy. I also hold a BSN if you look that up you can understand that I may be someone that you could talk to when you have these episodes. If you are interested let me know and we can find a way to communicate.
Well this hit me hard, I’ve been thinking of suicide for 5 years and I’m only 16, mainly because I gained a lot of wait when I got into my teen years after I could no longer play sports due to an injury, I constantly fear that I’m going to die alone, but videos like these give me hope, I don’t have many good friends but the ones I have are amazing, thanks Jerry for these videos.
Shit mate, I feel for you and suffered the same way, tried to kill myself in 2010 but got stopped by the police with a bottle of cider and painkillers.
Thank you for creating this video, as I know how lonely I felt and I two would of left behind my children. Four beautiful daughters.
This video is the most honest i ever saw bro. Thanks a lot for your effort and your advices, they gave me some kind of hope in my life. Subscribing to you right now. Keep up the good work bro. Would poke to talk to you someday, you are very insightful!
2010 I had life changing issue come up and I was no longer going to be able to work any more. Lost how I made money, lost my ability to drive. No doctor could tell me what was going on in fact they said it is all a lie. I was making it up when in reality the doctor could not say he didn’t know. So the doctors say I make it up it has to be my fault. For 2 years my wife hears this from the doctors, I am not working and I am at home not able to drive and my personal doctor says no more power tools. I have vertigo 24 7. Around the clock my world is spinning. I have a hard time walking and this is all in my head. I started having thoughts that were not good for me. I started to see a psychiatrist, he too was worried about me and was concerned. Depression is real, depression is something you can get through but you need to get help. Depression is one of the best lire’s there is in the world. Your depression will get you to think thoughts you never would think you would ever talk about or would come out of your mouth. Depression is one of the best at getting you to see the world in a way you never thought you could. Depression will lie to you and make you think you are beyond hope. Depression slowly takes control over you and your life in ways you never thought of. You need help to combat depression. You need your best friends to combat depression. I was lucky. My wife for 2 years heard my doctors say nothing wrong with you it’s in your head and your making this up. The psychiatrist was the only doctor that listened to me said at the first meeting he has no idea what’s happening to me but if I would meet with him every day for at least 1 hour for maybe 2 weeks or less he might come up with an answer. I was a lucky man my wife even hearing for 2 year stood by me, said something must be wrong and did not listen to the doctor saying I was a making this up. My wife really saved my life. Depression will convince you your wife is just waiting to leave, doesn’t believe you depression will turn you against all your friends in the world. To anyone that feels life is piling on them, the world is closing in please please PLEASE get help. Contact me I will help you get help. Depression is the biggest best lire you will ever meet. Please get help
Thanks for taking the time to share that, Jerry. I quickly said “Hello” to you at MRRF. I really appreciate your open spirit. I’ve seen the darkness overwhelm people — sadly, some who have succeeded in the exit from this world. I have to believe your video has already helped people, and will continue to do so!
Dude, I don't know what made me stumble upon this video, but I needed to hear this in more ways then I could explain! I've not been suicidal on any serious level, but I do suffer from depression and anxiety, mainly public anxiety. I've not been medically diagnosed because I've been too afraid to go to a doctor. I love all the tech stuff and electronics as well. I want my own media company too but I struggle with staying focused on one thing at a time, I get so overwhelmed with ideas and information that I end up accomplishing nothing at the end of the day and those days add up very quickly. I too have a son, he is my world, and I want to create a miniature empire for him to take over one day. But I lack structure, discipline, focus, motivation, basically all the tools required to be successful in my own right. Thank you for having the courage to for this!! You have definetly helped at least one person!
I could share my life story, I've never considered suicide but I think I can understand the sense of despair but I don't internalize my feelings my emotional pain always comes out as anger. I kind of wish I lived closer to you. I think we would get along. Anyway I'll share my history sometime with you in private if you ask. I do like your video's, maybe not these ones but I understand why you made them. I think you'll get what you seek from it.
imagine being 43 and never married and no kids and wondering why. I don't have any of that to keep me going. that stuff alone is enough to give up. can't even seem to get a gf anymore for some reason....the last few I had just left me for no reason when things seemed great.
so much of what he said really hits home for me, i went through my first proper broken heart earlier this year and my thought was that the pain would only leave if i died but i knew i couldn't put my mum and dad through it, and social media is a major issue when i felt shit i intentionally searched for my ex to see what she was up to going on holiday with my family and telling them i was sad, and removing her from every social media.
You probably just need attention. Not saying that in the way of "you're just looking for attention". I mean it literally as you may need attention. Some of us need love and comfort as some of us probably didn't get enough or any as a child and that is a void that will never be filled. Your behavior is the end result of this. Have you ever considered that? Were you not loved enough as a child? You are subconsciencously seeking out to fill that void. This is not something to be ashamed of and people in general should be more supportive of this kind of thing, even as cringey as it may seem to them. Just please consider this.
"Words are painful and hurtful" - Not physically. Sorry - but you can sit there and insult me all day the fuck long and I won't get a single scratch upon my body. :) I guess some people are a bit more thick-skinned compared to others. I can appreciate the whole depression thing so insults may affect you more - but for people like myself who are extremely confident - have no problems with depression - insults are completely ineffective against us. The freedom of Speech Trumps other's feewings.
Hey man I unsubbed awhile back because I thought your attitude in the past saying "the haters don't matter just ignore them" came off as cocky and disingenuous, but this video I could sense your honesty and openess I appreciate it. Keep doing your thing regardless of what content you decide to make and I look forward to your next video. Stay safe.
I just felt the power of this disease. One of my closest cousins was diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression earlier this year. He attempted suicide this past week by taking a bunch of his psych meds along with some sleeping pills. His brother and sister in law found him seizing on the floor of his bedroom. Thankfully they got him medical help in time. He was out of it for 3 days. When he came through he had no idea where he was. He agreed to go into rehab but not for the whole 90 term they recommend but just long enough for the to give him the right to leave which is 2 week. Sad thing is we are afraid some something else eventually is gonna trigger another attempt. This is some sad and scary stuff like Jerry says if you are feeling this way please call someone.
i say thank you because i am in that dark place i almost lost everthing in life my work famillie lots of friends because i have a invisselble desease that people dont understand me/cfs with sufeer fibromagali that destroys my life i am struggeling what the do how to carrie on i Always love your video s a specialie whith lithel xander he Always make a smile on my face and you did reaced me to think difrent thank you for that!!! a friend
Today we got the news that my uncle committed suicide last night. He lived abroad and a few hours before he did it.
He skyped his parents and he discussed his depression.
His girlfriend had arranged for him to meet with a doctor to get help, to get treatment.
All he had to do was hold on just a little bit longer.
If you feel like there's no other option in life, you're wrong. All you need to do is reach out to someone.
If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have an interest in coding, yea I suck, but everyone sucks at first. Saving up for a bigger computer. Anyway. You’re an inspiration to a lot of people, and you’re an amazing guy! You are doing things you love! You’re a fun dude! Really love you man!
Jerry you have helped one person who also has depression along with panic attacks and anxiety and OCD so Jerry your legacy to me is not going to be about your videos but about your honesty and open heated and caring person that you are screw the rest because that what matters the most at least to me it does so know you have helped someone form Canada :)
I know people will hate this but... you need faith in Jesus Christ to prevent suicide.... read the gospal... believe it, humble yourself, dont covet, forgive others, pray for your enemies, love one another, and be grateful for what you have, you have permission to be happy and enjoy yourself, dont think or dwell to much on negative things. The biggest things is Jesus, dont covet which means dont want or desire or compare your life with anyone else and be grateful... count your blessings and say them out loud, repeat them etc
Yeah but what if it never literally never got better even just a bit but only worse? There might be many options but not always available to everyone. It's nice to try to convince ppl of sth different, but some actually know better bc they live their own truth
You're only going through so much because you're denying the protector. Im a champion like David who beat the Giant Goliath I pray for God's armor on me every day every morning and all through the day I face battles that I easily claim victory over and you can too. Years ago I used to have troubles like you and even worse, I had a close range bullet hole in my neck/throat swimming in A pool of my own blood when I was dying I couldn't breathe at ALL was choking on my Blood was in a moving car and instantly my spirit left my body and was warped into a different place, yea I was scared panicked in fear and thought I was dead and couldn't believe it I started crying praying to God and instantly my spirit warped to a different place much higher, peaceful I wasn't struggling in spirit form even though my body was in the car choking bleeding to death. God on my left was showing me my body in a casket with my family in line crying as they saw me dead simultaneously God was giving me a choice to let go without any pain (die) or to go back to my body and fight (live) even though it would be a struggle. I felt so at peace with God that I wanted to let go but when he showed me what the effect would be on my crying family I made a choice... Now I ride with God rep God thank God and receive infinite blessings, wisdom guidance, unparalleled love, I enjoy peace love and joy everyday and I pray for you brothers and sisters every day too. I know exactly where I'm going when I die how bout you! God bless
NO such thing as luck....Gods showing up even though you deny him. if he helps when you deny him imagine what hed do for you if you actually beleived and allowed him into your life. youre chained up to all these mental,health and spiritual attacks because your denying his protection by denying him. God saved you for your son with a second chance to save yourself. Dont Blow it some never get another one. God Bless.
Hey bro. I've been struggling with my mental health for over 25 years now. I isolate myself away from the real world so I don't have to deal with it. I don't have a partner, I haven't had one for over 13 years now. No one wants a partner that's on government payments because I haven't been able to work for 14 years. I like you am a heavy set man. I turn 40 in a weeks time.
I'm trying to start my own Not For Profit mental health service here in Australia. An organisation ran by people with mental illnesses and mental health related issues for people who have mental illnesses. Doctors are good, but we aren't looking to be a doctor for the people we want to help. We want to offer our lived experience. How and what we've learned from the psychiatric system.
I want to use technology to deliver a super cost effective way of what we call "peer support". Getting government funding is like pulling teach. I created a Peer Support Worker facebook group to help those who are experiences poor treatment at work. That's when the idea hit me, that I needed to start my own organisation. Offering employment to those who most likely would be on government payments like I am now.
As I said I'm on government payment and I pay for all the costs associated with running the group/website run over a $1000 a year. Sometimes I get so tight for money, I don't eat because I feel that what I'm trying to achieve is worth it.
Each day is a struggle. Most likely for the rest of our lives but that shouldn't stop us from trying to make a better world for others.
Like victor said you do not need the ones that unsubscribes. And yes social media is very bad but you subscriber's will be there for you as well and honestly I will never commit suicide because ot my 3 sons wel 2 but one on the way. And I have always wondered if my father regretid shooting himself but this video gave me that exact answer. Thanx man
Real man real asf you should look into being a therapist kinda obvious to at this point,only thing i can respectfully disagree with,that wasnt dumb luck you were ment to take those pills have an wake up call so youd never have to go through that again,an then to go on an help whoever may watch this man including me, wubba lubba dub dub bro you hit me at the end hard...
Ooh this hits home, I'm personally not depressed but my girlfriend is, it's long distance, she is severely depressed, one piece of advice for anyone when there partner is depressed DO NOT KEEP IT A SECRET, she made me promise to keep it a secret and never tell anyone, no matter how much they ask never keep it a secret, I almost lost her march 29th 2018, she slit her for arm open and almost ended it, and this dude is dead set right, they will regret it straight away just a few seconds after she cut she messaged me asking for help I talked her through to stop the bleeding and called her mom, thankfully she survived, she passed out from blood loss but just made it, I was destroyed I struggled to cope, she was put into a program for suicidal people we couldn't talk for 2 weeks, she was in there for my birthday, I didn't even care about it I just needed her to survive, since she has been out of hospital she has never had any serious attempts since, so guys girls please speak up talk to someone it's not a secret to keep call the hot lines see a doctor talk to someone about, just what ever you do, never keep it a secret,
And barnecles thank you for this video man i really appreciate it more people need to become aware suicide is a real thing and it's here we need to help people as much as Possible,
That's all from me thanks from reading, peace ✌
Even if you yourself don't think so I believe GOD gave you purpose an outlet, and a voice to do something amazing. Barnacules if faith is the greatest hokes perpetrated on mankind you've lost nothing by believing, but gained friends in spirit and community, but if its real your loss is unimaginable.
Hey barnacules, We all really appreciate this video. It takes real courage to Bring up this topic. I have had multiple thoughts about it but always manage to snap back to reality, and i manage to do it quickly by the power of entertainment. The internet can be toxic but definatly i always just keep my self busy with cars or getting the best quality out of game consles or trying multiple sets of headphones. I truely dont think i have a huge issue with thoughts of suicide but its good to know theres always things to keep me busy such as your videos. The amount of time I invested in research of gaming chairs and headphones from your reviews and many other people on youtube keep me away from my own thoughts. So i can truthfully say you help people just by making anykind of content. No matter the topic. Thank you
Please don't do anything stupid. You have a purpose in this world and so does everyone so please don't do anything stupid. You don't have 939k for no reason, you have 939k because 939k support you as of this moment and as time goes on more and more people will do so. So please think positive and always look at the bright things in life.
Ive been feeling this way everyday for years, and this month ive been really bad. But ive seeked help. Cause i flirt with the thought of suicide alot. But i know thats my idiot part of the brain cause i love life and have had awesome experiences as much as bad ones. But the good ones keep me here.
I am a creator and first found you through the Stream remote review, I have the weight of my family on my shoulders and because of the things I know from my military family...Sometimes I feel like like the world around us is becoming so harsh and horrible that I have had the thoughts myself. I am a Youtuber in Seattle with Severe health Issues and I am so glad I found your channel. You are a wonderful person, Your family is wonderful and those are who we are here for. Our children are our purpose. Much love from a stranger....Adam Aka Marf
been there, done similar. 3 times. but not anymore, 10 years later much better, still medicated. but i won't make the same mistakes again. love you, have always enjoy your work. YOU take the time to do the things that make YOU a better person that YOU want to be
okay Jarry ..this is not my wife speaking ....Zander is absolutely Who you should be thinking about !!! ....you are my Hero ..because Your the one of us made it !!!! the ADD and ADDHD.s Dyslexics, the clinic depressed persons of the world. You Made It!! You worked for Microsoft ...For fifteen years, literally fifteen years ... I Need You !!! and so dose Zasder !! Your a my Winner !!
My Boy is not Talking at 2 1/2 and I never wanted Kids because i didn't wand him to have my problems I have ... hopefully he will git some of my gifts too, like Zander we will find out together ...that sharing is a Gift...Remember Jerry Your Dead a lot longer then your Alive .....You will Die anyway, but How will you Be remembered? Don’t let Zander be mistreated like you father mistreated you.
I committed "virtual suicide" 6 years ago and I'm still waiting for something that makes me regret it...
By virtual suicide I mean I didn't make a real attempt, just decided in my mind that I did it, I'm dead, and from here on it's like the reverse of the movie "It's a Wonderful Life"... seeing what I would have missed out on if I hadn't done it. There's been some great times since then but overall I still think the universe would be better off without me in it, and I'd be better off returning to the infinite unconscious existence I had before I was born.
What's kept me going is the same indecisiveness that makes me want to die. Making decisions is the bane of my existence... the bigger the decision, the more I flake out and just never make any decision until the opportunity to do so fades away. I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate, but indecisiveness strikes when I've got the noose rigged up too. I just stare at it for hours trying to make a choice one way or another whether to live or die that day, until I get so mentally exhausted I just go to sleep. Same thing that happens with any important decision that is put before me.
I dont know you personally, but my husband had this on in the living room while I was hanging around. You and He are a lot alike, and I can tell you that you are practically one of his heroes. The pain that would be felt if he ever tried something like that would be unspeakable. Everyone has something to offer, and we are thankful that you did not succeed and are still around to teach and inspire others. Thank you.
you are a strong and courageous person and the fact that you went out of your way to tell a small brief part of your entire story just to help just even one person, shows just how great and genuine of a person you really are. I fortunately do not have suicidal thoughts as much anymore but do go through depression all because of money but i am thankful everyday for all that i have. Thank you for taking your time to do this video. I am sure it will help many. We love you Barns!
I know exactly what you are talking about, I'm going through a depression my self, it has been nearly a year but I feel better now. I have a lot of respect for you. I'm glad you talk about it, because it is very important. I vill never unsubscribe. Thanks for being such an awesome person👍 (sorry for my broken English, I'm from Denmark) 🙂
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